Academy in the Future
Academy Schools in England will be the rage by 2020. Schools will stop all beneficial activities and be showered with useless information as they prepare to freely make the compulsory move to Academy status, as this letter demonstrates.
Bludger, Hemp and Scruttle
Educationalist Consulters
Bull Ring, Birmingham
Group Captain J.A.P. Shukamuro Karrakas
Chair of Governors
St Ethelrega’s High School
Redditch
Dear Captain (Rtd) Karrakas
Further to your request, we have scoped the recent White Paper from the Government on compelling each school in England to freely choose to become an Academy by 2020. The document is very long and full of detailed sentences and convoluted paragraph that do not read easily. Because of our work, you do not have to read and understand what it says. Our new work-experience intern has been poring over the thing since yesterday afternoon so we can give you our considered, in-depth opinion on the benefits of your school achieving Academy status.
As an Academy you will have control over what you do and teach, how big you will grow and how to rid yourself of difficult staff and pupils; an ambition of many governors since the start of the century.
The so-called experts on teaching sum up all that is new in teaching with a word made up of capital letters – STEM. Our fresh new intern is of the opinion that it could mean what you Say, Teach, Energise and Make when you educate anyone, but especially kids. In simple terms, you can make it up as you go along. (STEM means something else to Australian teachers but they are too far away from us to bother with.)
Under the new arrangements, you will be able to sort out teachers by dumping the dross, which will leave big gaps in your ranks. You will fill these vacancies quickly if you avail yourself of our expertise as placement consultants to the Magistrates and Crown Courts in finding work for criminals sentenced to community service. They will enrich the range of skills you offer. They are paid little or nothing so reducing your staffing bill and allowing more money to be paid to the chief executive. These used to be called ‘head teachers’ in the old style schools.
It will be only a matter of time before your pupil numbers expand to match your international renown. Our expertise in procuring Tier 4 visas for foreign students, for a small fee to you and a large fee to them, will enable you expand your pupil numbers to an unimaginable extent and will buttress your future, even if the country withdraws from the EU following the referendum in June. A vote to stay joined to the impoverished and fractious Europeans will leave you in a good position to recruit hundreds of Eastern European students who will flood into the country in time for the start of the new school year in September.
Clearly, you will have to expand your premises. We have access to an award winning architect and builder who have overcome the slight development hiccup to their revolutionary, cost-effective building methods. The extensive use of cardboard in their buildings significantly reduced costs. The addition to their original design of a foil-covering for the cardboard overcame the difficulties caused by the onset of rain and snow. PPI money will balance the increased costs caused by using foil-covered walls and you will eliminate the need for lighting and do away with electricity bills.
Parents and schools do not mix well. The White Paper says you can chuck out parent governors. They waste time moaning about their kids being force-fed healthy food and walking briskly in PE. Many mistakenly consider themselves expert on school matters and demand that their kids are taught to read long books, learn French and irrelevant stuff like that and they object to teachers being appointed who do not hold a PhD in the subject they teach.
Many schools already ban parents from entering the premises. Insider information tells us the government will bring in a law to make it illegal for parents to park and pick up kids within two miles of a school, no matter how obese they little ones are. Local bus services and taxi firms will benefit greatly from this arrangement. We advise you buy shares in these companies before the big pension boys catch on and pile in.
When you appoint the right chief executive, one who is a marvel at turning around useless schools and we have just the person in mind for you, you will be spared the interference of Ofsted in your goings-on for three years. No snooping on or sniping at your efforts and best of all no reports picking on your mistakes and failures. We will ask this highly worthy person we know to make contact with you. His name is Ephraim de la mire Cassidy. He believes in values and stuff like that. For many years, he has avoided going on courses or update-training so that he has retained his independence of thought and has kept faithful to his entrenched ways of doing things. However, he is well into that IT stuff that schools need. Recently, he bought an iPhone and uses it for emergencies when he is paragliding and for on-line shopping.
In our considered opinion and we have looked carefully at this Academy move on your behalf, go for it big time. Dive in early and get your hands on more of the money than those who waste time weighing up the pros and cons of such a drastic move.
Some pathetic people will argue against this wonderful opportunity but they don’t count. They are not Conservative MPs and are not as expert as our new intern and we are.
Rest assured that we will work with you to find a sponsor and appoint a new chief executive for your amazing educational establishment that is about to burst into the big time.
Yours knowingly
Sally Bucksum-Peak (PA)
pp. Mickie Bludger (Senior partner at BHS)
