Finding a Golden Sugar Daddy
A key factor in the success of the new Academies will be the selection of well-heeled sponsors. Being an experienced, well-informed educationalist is not a requirement. Not even the Secretary of State for Education meets that requirement. Obviously, the generous donors will contribute copiously because they are deeply philanthropic and know how to tap into Government funding. Do you need help to find such a source of generosity? Our well-known law firm shows you how to succeed.
Bludger, Hemp and Scruttle
Educationalist Consulters
Confrontation and Litigation Specialists
Custodial Towers
Bull Ring, Birmingham
Group Captain J.A.P. Shukamuro Karrakas (Rtd)
Chair of Governors
St Ethelrega’s High School
Redditch
Dear Captain Karrakas (Rtd)
Thank you for your instruction to pursue further your interest in adopting Academy status for you lovely school in the near future.
We have instructed our intern, Mario Alphonso di Stephano Novalenkz, to act as your bespoke representative in all matters to do with the academisation process.
He continues to read all the paperwork on your behalf and will be in touch.
We have identified a potential sponsor for you. Councillor Charlie Bentarod, founder and owner of the Charlie Bertram Bentarod Carpets (CBBC) is your best bet. He is a man of impressive business acumen and many useful contacts on the Council. He is well placed on the planning and building regulation committee and chairs the small-to-medium sized business grants panel. He is a key member of the Council Cabinet, as they now call what used to be The Committee of Top Movers and Pullers.
Under the new rules that have been in place for several years, he has been checked out as a worthy person, fit to run an Academy school. A salacious accusation was made against him last year that Private Eye turned from a molehill into a mountain. The case was was withdrawn when the accuser went to live abroad saying she had made it all up and anyway it was a case of mistaken identity. CBB, as his friends call him, now makes sure, through our good offices – an arrangement that you might like to adopt when your new regime comes into force – that no other accusations are made against him. He has said openly that he does not consort with known paedophiles, blatant robbers, convicted corrupt lesser officials, or sex workers masquerading as lonely hearts on dating websites.
His sons, Caesar and Kaiser, along with his delightful daughter, Boadicea, are valuable assets to have at the disposal of your school. They will not exercise any hands–on control or take a lead on anything other than matters of finance, strategic planning, budget setting and monitoring, hiring of staff, dismissal of stroppy kids, health and safety issues, draw-down of government grants, security, staff support and training, premises, what subjects will be taught, leasing of grazing on the playing field, lettings, pupil recruitment, litigation, publicity, dealing with media, investments, hard headed assessment of worthwhile activities during the school day, maximum utilisation of buildings and grounds 24/7, running the playgrounds as shopping car parks after school and at weekends, and the installation and management of CCTV and security equipment.
All this boring stuff will be managed directly by the family, allowing the head to concentrate on school type stuff like lessons, making exams results look good, giving assemblies, telling parents what to think and stopping them interfering with the proper business side of the new Academy.
Caesar is in the country for just under six months each year in response to the draconian tax laws that hound him unmercifully just because he has made a massive success of his string of health and fitness massage centres, nightclubs and golf courses here and in the more popular parts of Afghanistan and Northern Ireland. His business expertise is endlessly available 6/3 at the end of a phone when he takes calls through his servants and administrators.
Through her marriage, Boadicea brings in the incisive influence of her husband, a Moscow-born oil and technology oligarch, who will provide useful advice and practical know-how on dealing with troublesome individuals who challenge the workings of the Academy. We are unable to communicate his name to you at this stage because of the need for secrecy regarding his whereabouts following a minor spat over the off-shore accounts of the KGB’s boss who suffers from quite an unforgiving nature.
Kaiser is well-travelled and brings a good knowledge of border crossings and law enforcement activities in many parts of the world. He is currently travelling in South America where he is sourcing raw materials to feed into his start-up company of leisure supplies for the discerning young blokes in the city.
Working in close harmony with this wonderful family, as you carry out their brilliant suggestions, will generate great benefits for you and your governors. The family will merit the massive recompense that accrues to those who give generously of their time and talent in the pursuit of the common good. We are confident also that some of the kids you have to keep in order might benefit in some way too.
The government, with this marvellous ruse to get schools under control, has to be thanked for unleashing this true blessing on a school system that has fallen so low that it’s poor reputation is surpassed only by the reputation of bankers and estate agents.
Please raise any questions you might still have with your bespoke representative here at Custodial Towers.
Yours knowingly
Sally Bucksum-Peak (PA)
pp. Mickie Bludger (Senior partner at BHS)
