Voting Apathy Trounced

A new system of voting has been trialled in the constituency of Bladderscut, Dormobile and South Redditch for the election of the Crime and Police Commissioner for the area. The trial was run in advance of the actual elections taking place in the rest of the country on 5th May.

The new system was thought up in the bar of The Why Not pub by local citizens, led by the Bill the Butcher from Upper Cooke Hill and Charlie Codpiece who still drives the school bus in spite of reversing over the headteacher of Much Buttlake First School in a light April shower the other week.

Only sixteen turned out at the last General Election in a constituency of 74,003 voters. Ten of them deliberately spoiled their vote by writing rude messages about the serving MP and his lack of a father (Two ballots), as well as casting aspersions on his lack of sexual prowess (Three ballots) and flagging up his well-known dodgy business dealings that the police were forced to investigate because of the seriousness of the allegations (Five ballots).

The investigation came to nothing. He was well known to the police through playing golf with the chief superintendent who said his golfing partner could not have done the things of which he was accused because he never looked like an insane criminal.

The MP was re-elected with a majority of five to one in spite of six recounts.

It was hoped that the changes to the new ballot papers would encourage more voters to join in elections. The new look ballots would make it easier for simple and uneducated people to understand what they should do behind the curtain. To prevent any repetition of the urine incident at the General Election, all curtains on voting booths were shortened to conceal only the upper torso and the writing arm of the voters.

Smiley faces were added to the ballot papers to encourage the young to participate and to support those who cannot write and feel humiliated at having to use X as a signature.

The option of marking a first and second choice was dropped because too many voters did not understand having two votes. In addition, the British Defence League of Free Walkers and English Traditional Right to Walk on Any Land Called England (BDLFWETRWALCE), DFW for short, protested that forcing voters to sign two votes was another imposition from the overbearing plutocrats somewhere in the EU eroding the British way of life (not including Scotland and Wales people who have their own paths to erode).

A new category of candidate was presented on all ballots to give a voice for those who do not like or want any of the usual candidates. In the event that this new category won the most votes, the Returning Officer was required to ask for volunteers to be the Police and Crime Commissioner for a week at a time, spread over the duration of the office. This spreads the responsibility around and gives lots of people a chance of the high life and not just the politicians.

The ballot paper read like this –

The results were as follows:

Iago Gasper Lovelace (Conservative) 2 votes

Mary Bullwip-Snickers (Lib Dems) 1 vote

Enoch P. Juggler (God-fearing Men Behind Gay and other Persons of Alternative Persuasion or Orientation) 16 votes

Richard Waver (Full Privatisation of the NHS) 1 vote

Nadger Smallcock (Green Party and affiliated Associations of Field and Hedge Workers) 5 votes

None of the Above Prats (Belonging to and speaking for no one only the voters) 71923 votes

None of the Above Prats was elected and ballots will now be held among those who volunteer for the job to determine who will be Commissioner for a week each.

NOTE TO VOLUNTEERS: Expenses may be claimed by the acting weekly Commissioner at the rate of bus fare for trips to and from meetings; overnight stay, if needed, must be in a Travelodge; food can be purchased up to the cost of an economy sandwich from the nearest Tescos. There is no pay payable since those who do the job for a week will be volunteers. No foreign trips must be paid for by the Commissioner him/her/other self and such trips cannot take place during the week of holding office. If you want a free holiday, pay for it yourself and go in your own time. The country has enough free-loaders without you joining in.

This system will be rolled out for General Elections since it proved so popular.