Academy: go for gold
Bludger, Hemp and Scruttle
Educationalist Consulters
Confrontation and Litigation Specialists
Custodial Towers
Bull Ring, Birmingham
Group Captain J.A.P. Shukamuro Karrakas (Rtd)
Chair of Governors
St Ethelrega’s High School
Redditch
Dear Captain Karrakas (Rtd)
Please accept our apologies for his quaint use of the English language by our intern, Mario Alphonso di Stephano Nobbalenkz.
Nobby, his given English name in the office, assured us he has a law degree from the Pontifical University of Salamanca and attended an English language PFE college in the middle of Birmingham prior to joining us. Before he could complete the four-week course to make him a fluent English speaker, the college was closed following a fracas during an inspection which had nothing to do with the three students enrolled there. We intend sending him to night-classes to improve further his English so that he will not repeat the sort of mistake he made in his last communiqué with you. When he wrote, “?You cun’t do that?” he meant, “You could not do that”. Using apostrophes and putting question marks at the end of sentences are the very devil for him to grasp.
We are following closely, on your behalf, the subtle way the Secretary of State for Education amasses sensitively collected feedback so that she can make minor readjustments to her strategies, or as the leftie press unkindly termed this manoeuvre, a U-turn.
The good lady, who is for turning only when her political career is threatened, will welcome your bid to become an academy. You are fortunate to be in a Labour controlled council because all such councils are failing, according to her definition. I think we can safely take the good lady’s word for the ineptness of all such councils, without the tiresome use of facts, scientifically measured benchmarks and universally applied criteria. Considering the high risk of proving her wrong, if one were to check the reality of her assumption, then the surest course is to go blindly with her. The lady is, after all, reliable, being a highly placed and well-known member of the government, trusted, at least, by the bloke who opens the door at Number 10 to let in members for Cabinet meetings.
Your question about the non-role of elected parents in the school shows your keen reading of the news that is so carefully constructed by the BBC and Mr Whippingdale. To reassure you, you will not be burdened by elected parent governors with their whining and time wasting requests for special treatment of their obnoxious kids.
Your public protestation of wishing to involve parents will be demonstrated when you co-opt onto the governing body a few parents who will be of use to your business.
We urge you to co-opt bankers or financial advisers, especially if they have begot offspring, knowingly or unknowingly. A lawyer is always handy to have on call. Include someone from the health business, preferably from an American conglomerate intent on breaking the NHS monopoly.
Consider co-opting onto your governing body the owner of a catering company so giving you cost effective school meals for the kids and lavish entertainment for you and the governors. An up-market car dealer will offer cut-rate transport in a style to which you will become accustomed. Ignore concerns about their ignorance of education.
Pursue such people even if they are not burdened by sending their kids to your school. The class of person you want means they probably send their kids to independent schools rather than to the likes of yours. As a result, they will know what a good school looks like and have networks of useful contacts.
The lack of process for anyone to challenge you gives you the freedom to do what you know is best for the good of the business.
To polish your public image, you might give a smidgen of consideration to the kids from time to time. An inspiring assembly at the start and end of each term ought to see off that responsibility. Invite in the press to cover the event with photos of you and two smiling kids. A local drama company will provide child actors who know how to smile and play the part.
You are wise not to consult widely on this critical move to becoming an academy. Consultations bring out the worst in people. Demagogues with chips on their shoulders emerge from their lairs. Rabble-rousers stir up unnecessary trouble, operating from behind flawed political and economic ideologies that have nothing to do with the real world of business.
Please do not hesitate to contact us with any further questions or concerns you might have as you successfully pursue the pot of gold at the end of this educational rainbow.
Yours knowingly
Sally Bucksum-Peak (PA)
pp. Mickie Bludger (Senior partner at BHS)
