British outraged by warm Bank Holiday weather
Twenty-seven clairvoyants around the country blamed the unusually warm weather last Bank Holiday weekend on the French and Belgians with their strikes about something or other. Ten horoscope writers said it was down to the Germans for letting hundreds of millions of refugees run across Europe as they flee war and death. The writers refused to give further details in case facts proved them wrong or some German blokes came over and duffed them up. Some holiday-makers, huddled together for shade from the warm sun, said it was the EU up to its tricks again, forcing us to have warm weather in contravention of our heritage.
“It’s fracking what done it”, say Bert Kettlebum sitting in a shelter on the seafront at Eastbourne. “Those EU people done all this fracking stuff what causes all the earthquakes all over the place and that sets off wind that blows away the clouds and rain. We’re not safe in our own homes anymore with them fracking EU people tunneling under the houses on our estate to steal our gas and oil. Next thing we know the fracking house will fall down.”
Bert and Bertha his wife drive down each year from London and sit in this same shelter to complain at length about the weather while watching families miserably demonstrating how much they love the seaside by playing on the windswept beach, eating ice cream and forcing their crying kids to paddle in the sea to train them to be stoic in the face of adversity – a true British quality that will soon be a test for gaining citizenship status.
Bert said, “If Brussels force us to eat their horrible sprouts and take away our god-given right to complain about the weather then what have we left of our proud traditions and what about our place on the stages of the world? We are nothing. Even that DTrump fella wants to take away our name and call his land Great USA when we thought up the name first off.”
Bert explained they come prepared to Eastbourne each year wearing two layers of thermals, and a spare supply of wet-weather gear to huddle in a sodden and rain-soaked group in this shelter, braving the Bank Holiday gales blowing in from the Atlantic or whatever that bit of sea out there is called.
They complained that their holiday this year was spoiled by the unreasonably warm weather that even had the sun shining much of the time. “It’s all the fault of that EU”, Bert moaned. “We will control our own weather when we leave that lot. When our ancestors dug the English Channel all them years ago, they knew it was the best way to keep out the people from EU and those who can’t stand living in France no more.”
Bertha, his missus, said she would vote stay behind in the referendum to balance out Bert’s views so no one will know he wants to leave EU land because he is a racist. Bert denies being a racist because he lives in London where everyone voted not to have the stuck-up posh bloke as mayor because he didn’t know how to hold a pint glass.
A smelly old bloke in tattered clothes who lives in the shelter all the year said the unseasonable weather was down to the climate warnings that scientists constantly give out. “Terrible weather stuff would not happen if they stopped warning us of terrible weather things ‘cos that makes them a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Bertha said she had heard the smelly old bloke preach outside the Catholic church in Eastbourne, claiming he was a self-fulfilling prophet. He is forced to preach outside the church because the holy people won’t let him in on account of his vile smell and he doesn’t know any of the Latin words the new priest likes to say during Mass.
Bert said the old bloke’s smell is not too bad when the gales blow off that bit of sea in front of the seafront and if the smelly old bloke is downwind of them.
The other inhabitants in the shelter, an old geezer who appears every morning and sits all day without saying a word, a three-legged dog, a Jehovah Witness skiving off knocking on doors because everyone is rude to him telling him to sod off because they are having sex, and a hungry pigeon, all agree that the pro-leave-it-out campaign has some merits until Johnston and Gove open their mouths. Then they think being a refugee somewhere far away would be a good idea if those two ran the country after they kick out Davey Boy.
None of those in the shelter liked the prospect of three more weeks putting up with posh blokes telling lies. Whichever of them tells the best and biggest lies will get to be the boss after 23rd June. Bertha said that whoever loses the telling lies contest should be put in the Tower and be hung, drawn and their tongues cut out and stuck where only a cat can lick.
The pigeon flew off at the mention of a cat.
