Funeral Plans - Pay Now Go Later
I don’t want the Pope to preside at my funeral. I have nothing against the man personally and I am sure he would say heartfelt words. Can you imagine the fuss if he turned up? The parking would be a nightmare.
Funerals are on my mind. As a rewired retired person I receive invitations to join funeral clubs and pay now for what I want done after I have gone. For obvious reasons, they advocate a pay-now-go-later finance scheme.
The application process for membership has all the sensitivity of applying for a car insurance quote.
I can add and take out parts of the funeral and shape my membership profile to suit my personal preferences and match the dosh in my pocket. I may even take out membership while suffering from a serious illness. Is this the only club I can join or insurance I can take out that carries the information, ‘No Health Checks Required’?
Membership costs of funeral clubs are set at today’s prices. By 2024 a funeral will cost, on average, between £7000 and £8000; a clear incentive to die before then while the cost is lower.
For as little as £10 a month my membership of a funeral club will protect my loved ones from anxiety when I die. Whatever emotion my loved ones will feel, I know that anxiety will not be top of their list.
The monthly fee will go up if I want ‘extras’. Is it worth the extra money when I have agreed to give away most of my bits and pieces to be implanted in others?
On the other hand, if I die poor enough, I can draw down Government grants. That money will pay for "necessary costs" - such as a burial plot or cremation costs. However, the £700 social fund funeral payment for ‘extras’ has been "dramatically eroded". For that price, some undertakers offer only "direct cremations or burials", without a service, celebrant, mourners, choice of coffin or flowers. It sounds like they drive you round the back and slide you down a chute without any fuss.
I have decided on my funeral plan. The only sombre elements will be the chief mourner, in top hat, tails, carrying his silver-topped cane, walking down the aisle in front of me. He runs the local funeral company and performs with dignity and respect for the living. I am proud that he is a former pupil of mine who has done well for himself.
My friend Kevin will play the organ for free, on condition that he can play his favourite music. He won’t bother me if he decides to go wild and play classical stuff and doodle out tracks from Christie Moore and from Tina Turner. He loves playing like Reg Dixon, so be warned. He is under strict instructions on just one element. We are not a hymn singing family so there is to be no singing – unless Gwyn and his sister Alicia are there. They deserve a hymn each. Alicia is fond of a particular Christmas carol. Gwyn loves lively hymns and will carry the whole place when he lets go on the rousing bits.
Any priests or service leaders will have to dress up in the clothes of ancient Irish religious leaders – in the style used before Patrick arrived dressed up to stomp on snakes and corner the market on fires and flagellation. A celebrant’s flash of bare skin daubed in bright woad will lift the tone of the proceedings. Pope Francis will be excused this dress code should he turn up.
There will be no preaching and lamenting and all that carry-on. People don't go to funerals to be preached at. They want a bit of peace, a private cry and a sharing of laugh-soaked memories. It is the only time we can go to a solemn service without others thinking we are getting religion.
Anyone brave enough to speak will be bound by the maxim of Victoria Coren-Mitchell’s father. Her Dad said it was “impolite to expect people to sit quietly while you seriously say what you think. Who cares what you think? Think of a joke or sit quietly”.
I will rest in peace during the service in the crematorium sure in the knowledge that no one will fall into my grave.
That’s about it for my plans about my funeral. That is the easy bit.
I am more interested in what I can do just before I am ready for the ministrations of a funeral club.
That time is full of uncertainties and needs the sort of preparation that can’t be covered by paying £10 a month.
