Academy Gold - the Midas Touch
Bludger, Hemp and Scruttle
Educationalist Consulters
Confrontation and Litigation Specialists
Custodial Towers
Bull Ring, Birmingham
Group Captain J.A.P. Shukamuro Karrakas (Rtd)
Chair of Governors
St Ethelrega’s High School
Redditch
Dear Captain Karrakas (Rtd)
Nobby, our intern who usually deals with your enquiries is off work following an altercation over the weekend.
His weak command of English, led to a misunderstanding in John Lewis store above the new railway station in Birmingham. He mistook the French logo FCUK for another word which he used repeatedly as he pointed to the socks he wanted. A passing Brexit supporter, assaulted him shouting, “you foreign Johnnies should not be allowed into the country to swear at our innocent shop assistants”. Until Nobby’s slightly fractured jaw heals, your contact with us will be managed by Proinsias, that is Irish for his name, who recently left Trinity College Dublin.
The appointment of the new Ofsted chief inspector need not concern you. You will not be inspected for a few years in your glorious state of immunity bestowed by Academy status. The outgoing Ofsted bloke was a well-experienced educationalist, renowned for being mouthy, resentful of Government interference and he would not do what his masters told him. Clearly, the Whitehall Controllers have not made the same mistake with his replacement.
The lady in question is an administrator with little experience of schools or of education. She is well used to leading organisations renowned for massive failures and she is experienced in squirming out of cock-ups caused by her inappropriate and badly delivered strategies. She will be fully engaged in disorganising Ofsted with little time to interfere with schools and lower standards.
The government is happy to reward those with little experience of anything other than failure in previous employment. This is in your favour.
The ability profile of your students is on the low side. You can point out to your inadequate students that the success of failing individuals is proof that being stupid, inept, inexperienced or making a complete mess of healthy organisations are not barriers to promotion and betterment.
By sharpening your pupils’ awareness of how failure succeeds you will prepare them well for life after school.
Inadequacy and failure to provide a good service are the bedrock on which the mighty organisations of this country have been proudly built. Was it not an English entrepreneur who coined the phrase “where there is muck there is brass” which in the vernacular reads, “there is cash in shit”, as he took over privatised sewage and refuse collections? The Academy movement turns the phrase on its head and proclaims “we will put muck into schools and turn it into brass”, or you might prefer to use the vernacular version.
It will not have escaped your notice that there are similarities between the Academy movement seeking to bring schools out of Authority dictatorship and the Brexit movement escaping domination by European know-nothing busy-bodies.
On the success of Brexit, the new England will destroy at a stroke any sense that there is a higher court of appeal, or any expectation that workers’ rights will be allowed. We will, in one fell swoop, remove all those trivial human rights barriers that are so irritating to people who makes piles of dosh from whatever they grab.
You and your school will be a direct beneficiary of the success of Brexit. By September of this year you will be free to disregard the unions, able to pay your teachers whatever you want, decide on conditions of service and set your own benchmarks that will show how brilliantly your school is performing. Bonanza time for all those running what is left of schools.
You will receive shortly an invitation to join a school type Brexit. To distinguish the two movements, although they are motivated by the same desire for immense profit for the leaders and argue their case along similar lies, the school escape movement will be known as ‘Excrete’, to symbolise the determination to exit the anally retentive systems of Local Education Authorities. A colonic irrigation of the education system is the only way forward to make the school system profitable.
Once our new intern, Proinsias, figures out how the Academy system works – they have nothing like it in Ireland, yet – he will send you the necessary papers for your signature as you move forward in your quest for the new educational dawn.
Yours knowingly
Sally Bucksum-Peak (PA)
pp. Mickie Bludger (Senior partner at BHS)
