The End is Nigh
The country groans in silent relief at the approaching final resolution of the Conservative blood feud that spilled onto the streets and upset ordinary people who didn’t give a damn until they were caught in the cross-fire.
The media gear up for final ways to sicken those who have somehow kept the will to live.
Nine commandments have been handed down, without reference to anyone, to govern the final days of the Referendum campaign.
1) TV crews will be camped outside all Conservative MP’s homes to see which half will resign when the results are known. Reporters will search bushes and the long grass to identify who will start a new Conservative party. The new Party will be managed by those who can lay claim to the titles of ‘crass’ or ‘grossly self-centered’ by reason of birth, privilege, schooling, rich daddy or whose parents shifted their ill-gotten wealth overseas before they were found out. Membership will be offered to enemies who have hurled personal abuse at each other during the Referendum campaign, told lies and showed a two-faced hypocrisy, none of which is relevant since the Party was never united in the first place.
2) The Electoral Commission will publish the results as raw numbers, without comment or interpretation. A bloke off the street, who happens to be passing on his way to buy chips and fish for his supper will be told to read out the numbers and say ‘that means IN’ or ‘that means OUT’.
3) The High Court will give permission for a referendum to sell Westminster to Disneyland, abolish lying political parties and self-serving politicians. The petition was brought by the Ordinary Folks Grassroots Movement of People Who Can No Longer Put Up With All the Bullshit From Westminster (OFGMPWCNLPUWABFW), aka the ‘Folkoff-ers’.
4) On Friday 24th, public eating-of-words ceremonies will be held in cities that have an elected mayor. The televised performance will be broadcast before the 9.00 watershed so that kids will learn something useful to make up for the damage done to them by attending Academies.
5) Every leaflet promoting the losing side will be collected and counted against the number sent out. The use of shiny paper prevented the use of the leaflet in many toilet facilities. Those who issued the rubbish on shiny paper will be forced to eat every piece that was not recycled in the loo.
6) On Saturday 25th racists, hate-mongers and fear-fuellers will be driven naked through the street to convince the population that these people will never again be allowed near cameras or microphone. The London naked parade will be held on Sunday to avoid clashing with the Gay Pride March on Saturday which is far more important to the country.
7) Battle buses will be used as targets on the army firing ranges.
8) The leaders of IN or OUT will not be allowed to rearrange their words from the campaign to prove that they had in fact won/lost/finished up nowhere/had already decided to live abroad/called for a recount/moved their loot to off-shore accounts/put everything in the wife’s name/asked for judicial review to prove they ought not to have lost/picked up their new yacht and private plane and now live abroad.
9) Pundits, commentators or interviewers who drove the country to distraction will be sent to report good news from North Korea; investigate the hypnotic effect on on-lookers of the sun tan lotion slathered on DTrump; prostrate themselves in front of tanks belonging to Putin to block his route to annex anywhere he likes; ask R Mugabe for his secret of building a successful economy.
The number of commandments is limited to nine because the last time someone delivered Ten Commandments in an attempt to change the world, the move did not work.
