Another week at the Academy
Our reporter Teagan Short has followed up his in-depth interview with Sebastian Fuchs the new kid in Year 7 at the new The Fred Best Academy A-Go-Go that is just over a week old. Here is his latest addition to our School Cuttings series.
School Cuttings
Q. Sebastian, how has the past week gone?
Now that we are in an Academy, which is part of the name of our school, we have “to embrace a wide divergence of opinions” Ms Fortisque-Blyth our tutor said. She makes us discuss feminism stuff ‘cos that is important especially to us lads if we are to grow up not being male chauvinist pigs. Our discussion each morning this week in registration has been about Hilary Clinton and why “the antifeminist socio-economic forces against her” – Ms Fortisque-Blyth wrote this on the board so we would know the right words to say – brought Hilary to her knees at the Memorial event in New York. Had she been a man, our tutor said, with all those illnesses and drugs she is on and having thin blood and allergies and pneumonia, no one would have said a word when she collapsed. Bladder Smith said his Dad always haves a lot to say when he has man-flu or a bad head after a Villa away match. Fiddle Murphy said who was Hilary Clinton. Pointy Cassidy said he heard Hilary was one of the guys who walked up Everest on the day the Queen was born. Maxine Roberts said she is going to New York for Christmas shopping with her Mum and her Aunt Rubella who finishes her shoplifting sentence at the end of November.
Q. How are you getting on with your new teachers?
Lessons go on every day, all day. In our primary school we had a rest when the teacher was tired, or fed up with us, or when he was distracted by looking at the young teaching assistant who came into our classroom to help Nodger Scrimshaw who was thick but the best shoplifter we knew. She used to wear short dresses. Now we traipse all around the school looking for the next teacher who is supposed to teach us. Last Friday afternoon the head principal bloke set off the fire alarm without telling anyone. He wanted to see if we would know what to do if there was a real fire and we were being burned to death. The senior kids went home pretending it was the bell for the end of the day. My class stayed. We didn’t know any better. We didn’t have much choice ‘cos the science teacher who was teaching us was demonstrating some science thing and he was determined to get it right after four failed attempts. He said it was only a fire alarm and we would go out later if he got the smell of burning flesh.
Q. Has the move to a bigger school brought you in contact with bullying?
Most of the kids in our year get no bullying, except for those who are weak, or look posh, or have something wrong with them, or who have a blazer with long arms ‘cos their Mum bought it so they can grow into it, or they ask for it, or they got no big brother or cousin, or ‘cos they are specky kids, or ‘cos they didn’t hand over their dinner money to the bigger kids. Otherwise it is quite safe as a school. Next year we will be older than the next new kids so we will be able to make up for the losses we suffer this year.
Q. Are you into a regular routine of homework yet?
We have to do loads of homework ‘cos it makes us clever and we will pass an exam in five years time. The homework is easy ‘cos my Mum helps me with mine and hates it if we don’t get full marks. My Nan says it is a pity the little bitch didn’t do it when she was in school. She always calls my mum the little bitch. My Mum says she is joking her ‘cos she was a free spirit when she was going to school. After my brother Carty was born and then Morgan and then Billy and then Michael and then Tyrone and after she married my Dad she gave up being a free spirit and settled down just before I was born. We got no sisters, which is just as well my Dad says ‘cos they might turn out like my Mum.
Q. Any final thoughts at the end of your first week?
The head principal chap says we are privileged to be in his school. He says it a lot but we ain’t seen any privileges yet.
