Knowing Me, Knowing You: Mastering Names

In schools, newly qualified teachers fail to grasp that the mastery of names is critical to their well-being.

You may have seen the chair of governors at interview. Forget her name. It is unlikely that you will meet her again. If you do, it will be in formal circumstances. You will be accompanied by your union rep and a lawyer who will tell you how to address her.

Head teachers print their names on their office door. Find out if he prefers you to use his family name or wants you to call him headmaster, head teacher, principal, or some jocular term that he imagines is inclusive and reflects his leadership style.

Just because everyone refers to the senior deputy as Jabba the Hutt should not encourage you to follow suit.

Your head of department should be given his full title of, ‘Yes sir, of course, certainly, Mr XYZ’. The use of the title should be accompanied by an inclination of your head and the casting down of eyes. Curtsying is not required. Grovelling is encouraged, as in offering to make coffee or carry textbooks. Helping him to rise from deep armchairs is regarded as a token of respect.

The use of pupil names is optional. Learning the first names of all the pupils you teach is excessive since they are legion. You must learn the names of troublemakers and those whose parents carry some clout.

Older colleagues will demonstrate the effectiveness of referring to pupils as ‘right, you lot’, or ‘hoi, knock it off’, or ‘if you shower think I have all day to stand here’.

Reception class teachers train their pupils to respond to a second name called ‘everyone’. This brainwashing removes the need for the litany of individual names in joint practices such as seating bottoms on carpets, meandering through corridors in twin lines and heading to the freedom door at home time.

Using such group names with older pupils triggers deep-rooted Pavlovian responses. This induced regression is particularly effective if your pupils experienced as their first teacher a dominatrix who believed in preparing her innocent lambs for sacrifice on the altar of schooling.

Do not give your personal name to pupils. Insist on your title of Mr, Mrs, or whatever gender configuration you espouse. Giving your name encourages familiarity which weakens discipline and could be used in a police enquiry as evidence of your grooming attempts.

Do not expect anyone to know your name other than the teachers in your subject department. They require it to protect you from your inexperience. Other subject areas don’t need to know you. They have their own messes to sort out. [Any reader responding to the issues raised in this piece should leave a message with an email address in the relevant part of this website and someone or other from the world of real people will make contact.]